


Breathe Me

by sheenaisapunkrocker



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band), SEVENTEEN - Fandom
Genre: Angst, M/M, Multi, Teen Angst, Teen Romance, highschool!au, seventeen au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-26
Updated: 2016-02-14
Packaged: 2018-05-09 14:30:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,431
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5543384
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sheenaisapunkrocker/pseuds/sheenaisapunkrocker
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>How does Seungcheol cope with the aching feeling in his chest? The aching for Jihoon is unbearable.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Seungcheol stares at Jihoon’s amiable face. He loves the way his bleach blonde hair feathers over his forehead, concealing his eyebrows. He loves the soft curve of his face. He wishes he could explore the landscape of his face, his nose, his lips, his eyes. He wishes he could feel Jihoon’s soft pink lips against his skin. He wishes he could be enraptured in his smile, but he was stuck only staring at him from across the room waiting for the sound of the bell to ring out. He wishes he had the opportunity to fully appreciate every line, curve, and dimple on Jihoon’s lovely face. He wishes there were no obstacles but life is never easy.

            After class, Seungcheol leisurely walks to his lockers to gather all of his materials before he would finally get to go home. As he is transferring the books he needs to his backpack and putting away the ones he doesn’t need in his locker he feels a single finger sharply poke him in the back right under his shoulder blades. He lets out a puppy-like yelp and pushes himself into the metal of the locker trying to get out of the uncomfortable situation. He turns to see Jihoon standing behind him with a mischievous smirk on his face clutching the perpetrating finger close to his chest.

            “Hey,” Jihoon says, never letting the sly grin fade from his face.

            Seungcheol’s cheeks turn every shade of pink and red and his face feels like an oven that has been left on for hours. He looks down and tries to make himself seem as inconspicuous as possible.

            “What’s up?” Jihoon continues to stand looking up at Seungcheol with an overwhelming sense of friendliness pouring out of him. Seungcheol tries to collect his self and answer the damn question but he can’t stop drowning in Jihoon’s beautiful crescent shaped brown eyes.

            “Seungcheol… Are you okay? You seem kind of out of it,” Jihoon once playful expression morphs into furrowed eyebrows and puzzled eyes.

            “What, oh… um, yeah I’m fine,” Seungcheol trips over his words and it feels like an eternity before he can barely get a sentence out. He clears his throat, straightens the wrinkles in his shirt, closes his locker, and sends Jihoon a meager smile.

            “I’m just worried about physics, I don’t really understand it that much,” he lies and hopes Jihoon wouldn’t see through him.

            “Yeah me too I’m really fucked for the midterm,” Seungcheol lets out a sigh and relaxes a bit. They exit the front doors of the school and start heading across the green lawn towards the sidewalk ready to collapse on their beds and sleep for the rest of the year.

~

            Seungcheol decides to head over to Jihoon’s house today. They have been friends for years but have never been as close as Seungcheol hoped. He remembers their middle school days spent lying in the sun and swimming in the pool. Seungcheol could absolutely vanish in the sight of Jihoon’s body floating in the crystal clear water, face up. He would eye smile at Seungcheol and it was as if the sun shined brighter. Jihoon would get out of the pool and playfully shake the water out of his hair like a sprinkler getting it all over Seungcheol. They would laugh and it was as if Seungcheol finally had a place where he could be at peace. Being in Jihoon’s company was like coming home in the winter, sitting by the fireplace, and letting the warmth of hot cocoa spread through your body.

            Seungcheol presses the button next to Jihoon’s door and listens to the muffled sound of the doorbell chime throughout the house. He hums to himself and rocks back and forth on his heels waiting to hear the click of the door unlocking. He finally hears the small footsteps walking towards the door and he smiles to himself at the thought of spending the entire day with Jihoon.

            The mahogany door finally swings open and Jihoon stands there, his bleach blonde hair slightly disheveled, with his signature eye smile lighting up Seungcheol’s day. He walks into the house and inhales the familiar scent of earl grey tea and freshly washed blankets.

            “Hello Seungcheol, it’s nice to see you after a while,” a friendly voice calls from the in-home office.

            “Hello Mrs. Lee. It’s good to see you too.”

            They slowly made their way to Jihoon’s room, “So I was thinking popcorn, movies, and swimming later.”

            “That sounds chill,” Seungcheol opens the door to Jihoon’s room and flops into his fluffy down bed covers.

            “So,” Jihoon starts, “I was thinking you pick out the movies and I’ll get the popcorn started. How does that sound?”

            “Awesome,” Seungcheol states whilst slowly lifting himself off the cloud-like bed. He shuffles over to the shelf that was crowded with far too many plastic dvd casings. Seungcheol guessed that at least a quarter of them had nothing inside of them but that made it all the more fun. Now it was like a game, try finding the movies they could actually watch. He turns his head to see Jihoon standing in the doorway his eyes fixated on Seungcheol’s spot in the room. The second their eyes met Jihoon clears his throat and disappears into the hallway. Seungcheol’s mind races with all the what-ifs. ‘What if he actually likes me back… no that can’t possibly be true. I’m just delusional.’ He shakes all these thoughts out of his head and focuses back onto the movies.

            Seungcheol shuffles out of Jihoon’s bedroom with a bundle of movies almost toppling out of his arms and makes his way to the front of the house where the living room and the kitchen are. He sets the movies on the coffee table and goes to go check on Jihoon and the popcorn. He walks through the doorway and sees Jihoon emptying two bags of popcorn into a large plastic bowl.

            “I got the movies,” Seungcheol plainly states as he leans against the granite counter.

            “Sick,” Jihoon responds, he looks up at Seungcheol and stares for a few seconds before smiling. Seungcheol goes to refrigerator and takes out two cans of coca cola. He sets them on the table and patiently waits for Jihoon to finish buttering and salting the popcorn. Once Jihoon finishes getting the popcorn ready, he grabs the bowl with one hand while Seungcheol reaches for the two cans, not noticing Jihoon reaching for the exact same can. Their hands meet collide, startling the both of them, causing Jihoon to drop the bowl of popcorn back onto the counter and a few kernels spill out over the granite.

            He swipes them up swiftly as Seungcheol stutters, “I, uh… sorry I didn’t notice you.. grabbing, uh.”

            “It’s cool I didn’t notice either. I should’ve just let you taken them,” Jihoon says, almost too nonchalantly. He grabs the bowl and darts out of the room. Seungcheol stands there stunned for a few seconds, mentally hitting himself for being this awkward even after they’ve been friends for so long. He makes his way into the living room and sets the cans stiffly on the table. He clumsily flops onto the couch and sinks into the cushions wishing he would submerge himself enough to vanish. He grabs the remote and fumbles with it, almost dropping it in his lap, before finally starting the movie.

~

            Three movies later both boys are feeling fatigued. Jihoon yawns and subconsciously lets his head lower onto Seungcheol’s shoulder. Every bone in Seungcheol’s body freezes and he shifts eyes to Jihoon noticing that his eyelids are heavy and he is trying hard not to fall asleep. His phone buzzes but Jihoon doesn’t notice it vibrating on the table because the screen is facing down. Jihoon shifts awkwardly against Seungcheol’s body and his hands make their way to Seungcheol’s hands. He starts playing with his fingers intertwining their hands together before he realizes what he’s doing and drops his hand.

            “Sorry,” Jihoon lifts himself off of Seungcheol and tries to focus himself back on the movie but Seungcheol stops him.

            “No, it’s okay. I was actually nice,” Jihoon slowly falls back down into Seungcheol and fits his head in the crook of Seungcheol’s neck. Seungcheol turns his head to look at Jihoon and he notices that Jihoon is paying no attention to the movie. Instead, he is looking up at Seungcheol. Jihoon lifts himself up and his lips brush against Seungcheol’s. He doesn’t initiate any more. He waits for Seungcheol to approve the kiss and Seungcheol’s hands snake around the back of Jihoon’s neck pressing their lips together. Seungcheol’s heart explodes in his chest and he feels like he is floating. Jihoon’s lips feel like silk. He tastes the remnants of butter and salt and he wishes this moment could last, until they are both alarmed at the doorbell ringing that Jihoon accidentally bites Seungcheol’s lip.

            “Ahh,” Seungcheol exclaims, “Are you expecting anyone?” Seungcheol doesn’t really pay attention to the flaring pain in his lip. He just stares at Jihoon, his expression a mixture of disbelief and annoyance. The moment was perfect. Seungcheol just can’t catch a break. Neither of them get up from the couch, as they see Jihoon’s mother walk towards the front door. They just stare at each other when Jihoon’s eyes shift behind Seungcheol and he whispers, “fuck,” under his breath.

            Seungcheol turns around and his eyes graze over a boy about his age with bleach blond hair and an adorable baby face. He smiles; making his eyes close to almost slits making him look like the cuddliest person in the entire world.

            “Hey, your mom let me in. Why do you look surprised? I texted saying I was coming over,” they boy finally notices Seungcheol and his mouth opens into a small ‘o’ shape, “Hello, I wasn’t aware that Jihoon-ie would have other people over, but I guess that’s my fault. I’m Soonyoung.” He reaches a small soft-looking hand towards Seungcheol. Seungcheol slowly reaches his hand towards Soonyoung and the shake is surprisingly firmer that Seungcheol expected.

            “Hi, I’m Seungcheol,” he says reluctantly, “so… uh, how do you know Jihoon?”

            Soonyoung looks confused at first and then chuckles a little, “what do you mean how do I know Jihoon? Jihoon’s told me all about you I expected him to tell you about me,” Jihoon just stares into his lap playing with the hem of his shirt looking like he wants to cry.   “Jihoon-ie did you really not tell Seungcheol about me,” Soonyoung looks so hurt, “we’ve been dating for… well, for eight months now.” Seungcheol takes a long deep breath and exhales sharply looking at Jihoon.

            “Seungcheol,” Jihoon weakly lifts his head and he looks as if he is about to cry, “I’m so sorry,” he whispers barely audible. Seungcheol clenches his jaw and looks away.

            “I can’t believe this, I can’t believe you kept this from me,” the anger in Seungcheol starts boiling up.

            “It’s not like that I can expl-” Seungcheol cuts him off.

            “You let me fall in love with you! You led me on! You fucking kissed me,” Seungcheol completely forgot about his surroundings and he let the emotions that had been building up inside of him finally come pouring out.

            “No! Seungcheol please… it’s not like that,” Jihoon started pleading, his water line threatening to overflow.

            “Then what is it like? Please enlighten me because it seems like you really wanted to fuck me over!” Seungcheol stares at Jihoon waiting for a reply that never came. He scoffs and turns around heading towards the door. Jihoon grabs the sleeve of his shirt begging him to stay and let him explain but Seungcheol has had enough. He shakes him free and slams the door.

            Jihoon lets his hand fall against his side and feebly turns to look at Soonyoung who witnessed the entire scene with a tense expression. Jihoon tries to take a step towards Soonyoung but Soonyoung holds a hand up to stop him.

            “You kissed him,” Soonyoung calmly asks. Jihoon mutters incoherent sentences and Soonyoung talks over him, “ _Did_ you _kiss_ him or not?”

            “I’m so sorry,” Jihoon doesn’t bother to try stopping the salty water from running down his face.

            “Ok,” Soonyoung merely says. He pushes past Jihoon not bothering to look up and him and takes the same path Seungcheol took.

~

            Text after text, voicemail after voicemail and Jihoon has gotten no replies. He tried to catch Seungcheol at school and talk to him but the only time he got close enough to get any words out Seungcheol leant really close to his face and very clearly said, “Fuck you, fuck everything about you. I waned you so bad, but now I want you to hurt like I do.”

            He’s met up with Soonyoung once, and you could cut the discomfort in the room with a knife. Both of the people he love most have left him.

Weeks pass and hot tears against soft cheeks feel like home. Jihoon stares at nothing for too long and the world around him turns into a kaleidoscope of colors. Jihoon tries to focus on his computer screen to draw himself away from the empty feeling in his chest but he is too preoccupied with the discreet hum of the heater. His fingers drum against the mouse pad of his laptop and he tries to keep from going insane. Hopefully, one day he will not feel like an empty cavity. He wishes that he would stop feeling the need to cry. He wishes he could change the way things turned out. He had all the control in the situation and he ended up losing it all. For now he will just let the days bleed into each other like a watercolor painting.

“Dinner’s ready,” his mom calls from the kitchen. He simply lies down in bed and sinks into the mattress hoping that if he presses down hard enough against the mattress he would not have to go eat dinner and the mattress would eat him instead. It would taste his salty tears, devour the pain, and spit him out. He would be like a clean car coming out of a carwash, all shiny and new. No more sadness, no more agony, no more long nights spent thinking of ways to not be sad, or ways to get Seungcheol or Soonyoung back. No more nights trying to sort out his fucking emotions. Why couldn’t he just make up his mind?

After he finishes shoving food from one side of his plate to the other, he sulks back to his room hoping that something would help him to recollect the scattered parts of his sanity. He plugs in the two ivory earbuds in and marinates in the lyrics, “And I can live without you but without you I’ll be miserable at best.“

            He lays his head on the pillow saturated with tears and stares at the wall for what seems like hours. He can’t stop playing the imagine in his head. He can’t stop seeing the way Seungcheol’s eyebrows furrowed and his lip quivered while he tried so hard to contain himself. He can’t stop seeing the way Seungcheol’s eyes lost their shimmer and he could almost hear the shattering of his heart like glass. The sound of Seungcheol’s caustic and biting words ripped Jihoon apart like an animal. Jihoon hated himself for everything he did. He was selfish and stupid and he wishes that he could relive the moment and change everything.


	2. From a Distance

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've decided to extend this. I don't know if I'm going to make a full on fanfiction but I am going to try (emphasis on the try) to give you all a happy ending.

            Days feel like weeks and weeks feel like years. Time moves like molasses and Jihoon feels like an old water stain on a Seungcheol’s wooden coffee table. Something that, at first, brings some amount of happiness but now has been tried to scrub out and forgotten time and time again. Jihoon knows this storm will pass but for now, he is stuck counting the tick tocks of the clock. He submerges himself in his work. He spends all of his time on school and music hoping that if he fills his mind with other things Seungcheol and Soonyoung will just dissolve from his memory and he can be happy again. Unfortunately, they are like a permanent seal imbedded in every dark corner and avenue of his brain. Waves of sadness wash over him frequently, but not constantly. He’d get anxiety attacks that would end in his computer memory being completely wiped out, the pictures on his walls would be smashed to bits on his carpeted floor, and everything that once used to be on a shelf or table would be in the trash. He would have to dig himself out of the despair but it is like trying to climb out of a hole in the ground made of steel with nothing but your fingernails.

            He thought he was stronger than this. He thought he was invincible. He is like pristine metal that is now covered in every shade of orange rust. If he tries hard enough maybe he could restore some of the beauty that once used to shine in the sun. However, he does not care. He lets himself wither away.

            The one person who did not disintegrate from his life was Seokmin. He makes sure Jihoon eats, he makes sure Jihoon sleeps, and he makes sure Jihoon does not forget that human beings require some amount of sustenance to stay alive. Sadly, Seokmin does not go to school with Jihoon so for the larger blunt of time Jihoon is incarcerated in his own mind.

 

~

 

            Jihoon sits at his computer staring at the screen, letting his heavy eyelids close and uses all the strength in his body to pry them open again. He opens his music software and drops his head onto the keyboard, listening to the repetitive single note telling him that he is pressing the wrong keys. He has so much inspiration, almost too much, but does he want to delve back into the memory of that one fatal day?

            It has been months since he has talked to either Soonyoung or Seungcheol. He had been planning to break up with Soonyoung anyway; he just cannot believe that it had ended that way. He wanted to let him down slowly. The last thing he wanted was for Soonyoung to feel betrayed. He really did care about Soonyoung, but when his blankets got too cold at night the only person he could think of to provide him comfort was Seungcheol. Soonyoung feels like a distant memory but Seungcheol is like a bright red handprint on his skin that refuses to fade away. The burning sensation refuses to fade away.

            He lurches out of his chair and marches to his bed where his phone sits solemnly. He sinks onto his bed and picks up the phone quickly dialing those same numbers that have been ingrained into his brain. His finger hovers over the illuminating green call button but he hesitates. He doesn’t know if he is making the right decision. He hasn’t talked to Seungcheol in months and he is quite positive that Seungcheol is better off without him, but he can’t shake the what ifs. What if Seungcheol still misses him, what if he could make this right, what if he could be happy again. He presses the button, holds the phone up to his ear, and listens to the ring. He hears the muffled click that means Seungcheol has picked up the phone. His chest tightens, he feels like he is going to be sick but, he has to get the words out before Seungcheol hangs up.

            “I’m pretty sure if Taylor Swift and I were in a competition of who could write the most breakup songs in one night, I’d win by a landslide because I still keep the window open at night incase you need someone to talk to and I don’t let anyone sit in your spot at the dinner table in case you feel like dining with us and I know it’s pathetic because we haven’t talked in ages but it was always you. Even when I was with Soonyoung I couldn’t stop thinking about you and I know it’s pitiful and selfish but the aching for you hasn’t stopped since we kissed. I’m nothing without you… please. I’m sorry,” he gasps out those final words and although his chest still feels like its been bound with ropes he finally managed to say the one thing he wanted to say. Even if Seungcheol never forgives him, even if he never gets to restore his relationships, he tried. Despite the closure, the buzzing that indicates that Seungcheol hung up feels like a slap across the face. He poured out his heart, he gave the most sincere apology he could muster and Seungcheol didn’t even bother to muster even a scoff, a huff, or any indication that Jihoon’s words got through to him.

            Jihoon lies on his bed wondering what on earth could be going on in Seungcheol’s head right now. He knows Seungcheol used to care about him so how could he be so dense about this. If he really did used to care about Jihoon he would have said something, right? What if someone else picked up the phone instead? What if Seungcheol has actually found someone new and they answered the phone for him. No. This was all too far fetched. Jihoon was making crazy assumption with zero evidence.

 

~

 

            Jihoon goes through his daily motions. He sulks from class to class just trying to get through the day without breaking down. He stands by his locker and tries to get everything quickly so he can just go home. Someone him clears his throat but Jihoon figures it is just someone passing by, no one important.

            “Um, hey,” the voice continues and the position from which the noise was uttered is the same position from which the throat was cleared. The voice is a voice Jihoon spent years knowing. Jihoon would choose listening to the voice over listening to music. It was the voice that has given so much happiness and so much pain. It was the voice that sounded like liquid gold and it was the voice that cut Jihoon right down the middle and set his body on fire.

            Jihoon stopped right in his tracks and his hands started quivering. He dropped the book he was holding and the sound it made as it collided with the floor echoed against every surface in the hallway. Jihoon does not dare move a muscle. He does not pick up the book. He simply stares straight ahead of him and hopes that if he is motionless for long enough he might turn invisible or Seungcheol will simply walk away. He cannot believe this. He had so much guts yesterday, where did all that go?

            “Jihoon-ie are you okay? I heard you called me last night.”

            “What do you mean you _heard_ I called you last night? You picked up the phone,” Jihoon knew what was coming next but he tried to shake those thoughts out of his head. This was the absolute last thing he wanted to hear right now.

            “Um… It wasn’t me who picked up the phone. It was… um… my boyfriend, Jeonghan. He listened to what you had to say and then he hung up. I was in the bathroom. He told me about the call but he said that I should probably find out what you said from you,” Jihoon timidly turns to face Seungcheol but he keeps his head fixated on the ground.

            “Jeonghan?” His voice cracks and tears well up in his eyes. He tried to stay strong. He had ruined this relationship after all, Seungcheol deserves to be happy and if Jeonghan gives him that happiness that is great.

            “Are you happy with Jeonghan,” Jihoon would have waited years for the answer but Seungcheol timidly, yet eagerly, nodded his head yes, “Then does it matter what I said in the phone call?”

            Seungcheol looks as if he has just been punched in the chest. He stares wide-eyed at Jihoon and Jihoon picks up the book from the floor, gathers his things, and walks away. As much as Jihoon wishes he could change everything, the past is in the past and now he has to work on himself. He has to make himself happy and he has to hope, from a distance, that Seungcheol and Soonyoung also find happiness.


	3. What Comes Next?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you guys enjoy this, and I'm sorry for it taking so long.

            It seems as if the tables have turned. Jihoon has memorized every single echo of his shattering alarm. He has used every ringtone three times over because there is only so much he can take of the same sound. Everyday his phone lights up with the notification that Seungcheol is desperate to talk to him. He could have worked through this if it was not for the constant reminder that he fucked up. He tried to give Seungcheol happiness after he devastated their relationship but in trying to do so, he hurt Seungcheol more. Why is Seungcheol trying to restore the relationship? Jihoon does not deserve a second chance. He ravaged the world around him and now Seungcheol is trying to help him piece it back together. Jihoon needs to fix it himself, because if he doesn’t he will never be able to forgive himself for the things he has done.

            His phone lights up and the noise it makes reverberates around the entire room. Jihoon lunges towards the phone and presses the shining green button before the ringing drives him mad.

            “Seungcheol you need to stop. I’m not answering your phone calls for a reason,” he was about to hang up before a desperate voice calls out his name. The voice is not Seungcheol’s voice. It is the voice of a butterfly whose wing has been lit on fire. It flutters madly in the sky but no mater how fast the wings flap the small delicate body has no hope of staying afloat.

            “Who is this?” Jihoon knows to whom the voice belongs but he needs to hear him say it.

            “It’s Jeonghan. I’m Seungcheol’s b— ”

            “Boyfriend. Yes I’m aware who you are,” Jihoon cuts him off and finishes his sentence for him. He thought he was over Seungcheol but hearing Jeonghan’s voice feels like the small log cabin he built from his bare hands suddenly gave in and is now collapsing around him, crushing his body under large planks wood. “You already took the one thing I love. What else could you possibly want from me,” the words climb their way up and out of Jihoon’s throat before he can even register them in his brain. Jeonghan’s words continue to shoot out of Jihoon’s phone but none of them make it into his head. He holds the phone away from his ear and replays those same words in his head over and over, like the saddest song destined to repeat forever. The phone slips out of his hand and makes its way into the cushion of the carpet. Jihoon feels like he has been frozen in ice for years. He finally thaws out and struggles to get the phone back into his grip.

            “I’m… sorry,” the words barely make their way into the atmosphere but Jeonghan registers them.

            “Jihoon? Jihoon? There was a loud bang. Are you okay? I need to kno— ” Jihoon clumsily reaches for the red button on the phone and the faint buzzing noise tells him that his finger did not miss.

            His eyebrows furrow and his mouth opens just enough to let out a raspy cry. He flings his bed sheets over his huddled up body and allows his scorching tears to burn trails down his face. The layers of blanketing muffle his hoarse sobs. His lack of control flung him into a pit of agony. Jihoon was so close to getting out of the steel well, but his aching fingers slipped and now he just allows himself to slide back to the beginning of his agony.

 

~

            Jihoon is paranoid. He sees Seungcheol everywhere. His face illuminates in the corner of the mirror, around the bend in the road, and in every single desk at school. Jihoon is trying to run from his problems but the farther he gets from them, the closer they seem. Seungcheol is his problem, and Seungcheol is definitely chasing him. Seungcheol chases after Jihoon like a bloodhound. He hunts Jihoon trying to get at least one word out to him before Jihoon slips away. Jihoon used to marvel at him but now he can barely make eye contact with Seungcheol’s shadow before sprinting out of sight.

            Jihoon jogs out of the front doors of the school, glad that he is finally out of Seungcheol’s view. He looks down to make sure he doesn’t trip until a shadow comes into his line of sight, right in front of him.

            “Jihoon. I’m glad I caught you. We need to talk,” Jihoon is confronted by an angular face. He looked so sweet; it was like he had syrup for hair. Jihoon stares into his abyss-like eyes and suddenly he knows why Seungcheol moved on so quickly. They are the kind of eyes that make you feel like you are the person on this earth. The kind of eyes that make you feel like the pain does not matter any more. They make you feel safe and secure. They make you feel like you will never be unhappy again. Jihoon tries to respond but he can’t seem to pull himself out of Jeonghan’s powerful gaze.

            “Um… I know Seungcheol’s tried to talk to you but he… uh… hasn’t made much progress so I thought I’d give it a try,” Jeonghan seems to struggle to make complete comprehensive sentences. He clumsily plays with his own fingers and struggles to barely keep his eyesight at level with Jihoon’s chin, much less his eyes.

            “Listen… I need to, uh… Seungcheol feels like he can’t move on from you if he constantly sees you in pain.” Jeonghan uncomfortably scratches the back of his neck all while keeping his gaze off Jihoon’s face. “I like him… I like him, uh, a lot actually so I need to know that you have moved… uh, that you’re done with Seungcheol.” He steals a glance at Jihoon’s face, trying to read his expression. “If you just confirmed that you will no longer… uh… like… that you will no longer pursue him, I guess,” Jeonghan’s voice sounds unstable, like a teeter totter right before someone decides to jump off and leave the other person plummeting to the ground, “it will help me and Seungcheol… it will help us both, um, move forward in our relationship. It will help Seungcheol be more open with me and it will give me…um, more, like, confidence in our relationship, you know. So, um, could you like… well, so, what are… like what do you think?” Jeonghan noticeably relaxes after he finishes sputtering out the last word. His lips are still parted in anticipation, waiting for Jihoon to say the few words and validate his relationship with Seungcheol.

            Jihoon tries to contain himself. All he wants to do is go home. The sudden confrontation with his feelings feels like when a ceramic plate is thrown abruptly at a cracking wall. He is heartbroken, bitter, and angry. He knows that it is his own fault for his heartbreak but at the same time, Jeonghan’s words set his insides ablaze. He wants to run to Seungcheol’s house, dragging Jeonghan behind him, and flagrantly kiss him. He wants to kiss him all over while Jeonghan watches. He wants to hear the agonizingly biting sound of Jeonghan’s heart breaking. He wants to see Jeonghan’s happiness melt away and be replaced by the most upsetting misery. He wants Jeonghan to be tormented day and night by the same picture replaying in his head. He wants Jeonghan to writhe on the floor, tears disintegrating his face, screaming, hoping the pain will go away and feeling like it never will.

            Jihoon uses every muscle in his body to not spit in Jeonghan’s face and says, with immense difficulty, “If I said that I no longer think of Seungcheol’s smile at 3am to make myself feel better, and that the thought of his arms wrapped around my body doesn’t make me feel warm and giddy inside, and that thinking of all the destroyed what ifs between us doesn’t make me miserable I would be lying. If I said I don’t constantly hope that he would run to me, say me this was all a dream, pick me up in his arms, and hug me like he would never see me again, I would be lying.”

            Jihoon finally got what he wanted. He got to see Jeonghan’s face crumble like a chocolate chip cookie that has been dunked in cold water. He got to see Jeonghan’s tears flood with water and he got to see Jeonghan battle with his emotions, trying to keep the tears inside of himself, at least until he gets home. Jeonghan mutters a weak “okay” and before Jihoon slips past him he quietly says, “Then I guess Seungcheol is yours.”

            “What?” Jihoon is so taken aback by his words that he feels like he has just been knocked right off of his feet.

            “I can’t be in a relationship with someone who is so committed in making his ‘ex lover,’ or whatever you guys were, feel at peace while neglecting his actual boyfriend. If we continued our pathetic relationship like this he will never get over you, but he will still keep dragging me along, use me whenever he needs me, and dispose of me when he has you. He will always pick you. You fucked up… majorly, but that doesn’t mean that everything is over. Seungcheol just needed time to repair on his own, he needed to be ready before he approached you again. Now he’s ready and that is all he cares about. He cares more about having a one-line conversation with you, than spending time with me. I care about him so deeply and that’s why I am going to let him go. You can make him happy, I can’t.” By now Jeonghan has stopped trying to combat his feelings and lets his tears gush down his sloping cheekbones and slide along his marble jawline.

            Jihoon feels like he has been hit in the face with a large goose-feather pillow, without warning. He is shocked, to say the least, but the continuous stabbing pain in his chest dulls considerably. Before he can comprehend what he is doing, he feels a narrow frame inside of his arms. He kneels his head into Jeonghan’s chest and resists the urge to cry.

            “Thank you,” Jihoon whispers and Jeonghan pulls away and smiles at Jihoon.

            “Don’t thank me, it was the only thing that could make me and Seungcheol happy.” Even though Jeonghan claims that he is not bitter, Jihoon cannot help but feel guilty for the watery pathways along Jeonghan’s face. He feels like he tainted a national treasure. Jeonghan turns away from Jihoon and walks away. Jihoon watches Jeonghan’s slim physique get gradually smaller and smaller. Even though it is no use he still says, “I’m so sorry,” before slowly making his way home.


	4. Closure

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've decided that long term/multi chapter stories are not my forte. Anyways I hope you guys enjoy this.

            Sleep encompasses Jihoon like a cocoon encompasses a transforming caterpillar. The cool rush of the midnight breeze grazes his cheeks and his body rises and falls with his deep breaths. His subconscious picks up on the unfamiliar sounds echoing throughout his room and he shifts uncomfortably under his nest of blankets. There is a light shuffling in his room and Jihoon mumbles incoherent phrases. The tiny sliver of space on his bed sinks down and Jihoon‘s eyes lazily flutter open not comprehending the possible danger of the situation. A puffy eyed, tear stained face lays on the edge of the bed facing him.

            “Jeonghan broke up with me,” Seungcheol shoots these words out of his mouth to Jihoon who isn’t quite sure he’s in the position to provide Seungcheol with the solace he needs.

            “Shhh,” Jihoon pushes his face into the pillow trying to rub the sleep out of his eyes, “I’m sorry but I don’t think you should be here.”

            “You left the window open. You left the window open. Don’t tell me that meant nothing.”

            “Seungcheol… what did Jeonghan say to you when he… uh, broke up with you,” the sleep in his eyes is slowly replaced with a warm salty liquid but Jihoon tries his hardest to fight it away.

            “He said that he loves me and that I’m selfish. He says that he can’t stand to see my fight for you day in and day out. He said that he would kill you if that ensured that I would love him back, but it wouldn’t. Because even in death you’re the one that I want above all. He’s right. I tried so hard to defy my heart and turn away from you but I can’t. I’ve loved you for so long and you shattered that. I’m piecing everything together but I can’t do it without you. I don’t want to do it without you. Don’t tell me that you’re fine… because we both know you’re not. We can fix this.”

            “Seungcheol… how can you forgive me so easily?”  
            Seungcheol pushes his body towards Jihoon’s and lifts his hand to touch Jihoon’s cheek. He cannot bring himself to be that forward during such a serious moment so he simply lets his fingers linger against Jihoon’s soft skin feeling the tingles of the subtle touch resonate up his hand.

            “Because I know that it feels like a thousand rats are slowly gnawing away at your insides and you can’t get the memory of what you did out of your head. Seeing the exact moment in which the heart of your loved one slips out of your hand shatters into a million pieces on the floor is breaking you. Every time you close you’re the eyes you see the exact moment in which the brightness inside their eyes dull and you see the love they felt for you slowly seep out of them. I’m giving you a second chance,” Seungcheol whispers, “because I love you.” He closes his eyes and repeats the phrase until it no longer sounds like words but arbitrary noises.

 

~

 

Jihoon’s eyes jolt open as he realizes the situation he is in. He quickly squints his eyes because his pupils were not ready for the bright light already streaming through his, still open, window. He carefully crawls off the bed like a cat stalking his prey and adjusts the blankets so Seungcheol won’t be awakened the nipping breeze. He stumbles down the hallway trying to keep his mind off the boy in his room. He lugs his body into the bathroom and locks the door behind him. Strands of hair droop off his head while others stand straight making his head look like a cornfield. A spot of drool clings to the side of his mouth and Jihoon lazily yawns. He turns on the faucet and runs his hands underneath it. He gathers some of the crisp water in his hands and rubs it against his face allowing the frosty liquid to fully pull him out of his drowsy state. He turns off the faucet and slumps his head into the emptying sink as the memories of last night come rushing back towards him at full force. A muffled knocking on the door echoes through the room barely making its way to Jihoon’s scattered brain. He flings the door open not allowing a single word to exit Seungcheol’s mouth.

“I think it’s best for everyone if you leave.” He pushes past Seungcheol and starts making his way back to his room. Seungcheol grabs Jihoon’s arm, swinging him around, and without letting a second pass he presses his lips against Jihoon’s. His hands land firmly on either side of Jihoon’s face. Jihoon’s sempiternal love for Seungcheol starts pouring out of the small cracks in his chest. He’s filled with a feeling of eternal vastness. He entangles his slender fingers in Seungcheol’s silky hair. Seungcheol pulls away just barely so that their noses still graze each other’s. He stares into Jihoon’s sparkling eyes.

“I meant what I said last night. Things won’t go back to the way they were immediately. We both need time to heal… and as much as I don’t want to say this because I’m a jealous hoe talking to Soonyoung and getting the closure you need will make you feel better.”

“He’s never going to talk to me.”

“You don’t know that. You thought I was never going to talk to you.” Seungcheol squeezed Jihoon’s hand and gave him a meager smile, “Come on. Let’s get dressed and then you have to call him.”

 

~

 

            Jihoon didn’t want to call Soonyoung. It isn’t sincere enough. Instead, he drags himself up the same familiar outdoor mosaic steps hoping that Soonyoung is home and hoping that Soonyoung isn’t home. He presses the white button next to the door and the muffled chime that follows almost sends him flying down the steps and back to his car. The door opens slowly but it is not the face that Jihoon remembers. This face has shoulder length brown hair framing it. He has a slender bone structure and sharp features. His feminine eyes soften his face but the pointed slope of his nose and his taut lips make him seem fiercer.

            Jihoon struggles to get the simple words out of his mouth, “Um… is Soonyoung home?”

            “Who are you?”

            “I… um, I could say the same to you.”

            The boy’s eyes darken and he draws the corners of his mouth back into a menacing stare.

            “I’m Junhui. Now tell me who the hell you are.” A face gradually pulls into focus from behind Junhui. This face is glowing with care. Jihoon spent so many months with this face, the face that made him feel safe and warm, which contrasts to the cold face directly in front of him. As Soonyoung draws nearer, Jihoon noticeably relaxes when he sees Soonyoung looking healthy.

            “Jihoon why are you here? I do not want to see you.”

            “I expected you to say that but I really need to kn—“

            “He said he doesn’t want to talk to you… _Jihoon_ ,” Junhui snarls. He stares Jihoon up and down as if he’s ready to attack him. Junhui steps closer to Jihoon until Soonyoung grabs his wrist, restraining him but not pulling him back. “You hurt the sweetest boy in the world. He doesn’t owe you _anything_. Not even forgiveness. Now I’m going to need you to give me a solid reason why I shouldn’t throw your pathetic little body against the ground and hurt you the way you hur—”

            Soonyoung pulls Junhui back and snakes his arm around his waist. He gives Junhui a smile to let him know that he’s okay. His face changes into annoyance when he looks back at Jihoon.

            “Jihoon just say what you have to say and then leave.”

            Jihoon clears his throat trying to remain strong but he can’t help feeling like a boulder amongst a beach of delicate grains of sand. “Soonyoung I know that I hurt you… I don’t deny what I did and I am sincerely sorry. I know you don’t owe me anything and I know I don’t deserve it. I just… I want to make sure that you’re okay. That I didn’t hurt you too bad. I’m here to apologize… and um… yeah.” Junhui scoffs at Jihoon’s monologue and Jihoon bows his head down hoping that Soonyoung will be able to see that he’s being genuine.

            “I honestly didn’t think you would have the guts to apologize like that. Anyways, I am happy. Junhui makes me happy, much happier than you could have made me. But I appreciate the effort.”

            Jihoon smiles weakly and nods towards the couple, “I’m glad,” he chokes out. He slowly turns around listening to the sound of the door shutting. He feels like the smog that had been building up inside of his chest has finally dissipated. As he walks down the mosaic steps, he smiles to himself, glad that Soonyoung is happier without him. He breathes in the fresh air of the outdoors and for the first time in a long time he feels like he did something partially right.


End file.
